I live too far from the city...

I've been out quite a few times in central London these past few days, largely because I work in the city, and partially because I'm tired of the boring fish that populate my area. I live in the London suburbs, zone 4 to be precise, so to all you non-London cavemen, that's about an hour it takes me to get to the city.

So on Thursday night a few guys from work went out, to some ghey Wetherspoons, and the next thing I know, I've had 5 pints, it's 10.30pm and I need to get home to write an article for that sports website. Sigh. So I say goodbye to the ladies and laygays I was with, and caught the tube. As always, about 4 stops in I feel a real need to take a piss. I try to hold it, I put on my i-pod, close my eyes. Nope, still need a piss. Okay, so I try my other technique...I think I read somewhere that if you get an erection, it takes away your need to piss. Might aswell try it, so I start thinking about yazum, redtube, joppas naked torso etc. No use, it wasn't working. So I take a look aroud the carriage, a milf to my left, wearing a large winter coat, red, black gloves, knee high boots, jeans. Yes. Its working, and just like watching the same porno for too long, I started to get bored. I look to my right, a couple of businessmen...nah, not really feeling my rentboy fantasies tonight. Ah yes, in the distance a 6ft polish girl, she'll do. As I'm taking a look, I hear the sound of splashing, water dropping to the floor.

I look left, and there is this geeky looking guy, standing about 5 metres to my left, puking all over the shop. I had noticed him earlier, he looked like a typical city drunk businessman. I look towards the direction of the other businessmen, and they look in disgust, one of the starts to look nauseous and starts retching LOL. The puker gets off at the next stop, and the retcher moves carriage, I look towards the milf, and I can tell she wants to laugh, I catch her eye and we begin laughing. We kept laughing, and a few other on the carriage laugh, then we all realise that this is borderline mass hysteria, and soberly stop laughing.

Anyway, I still really need to piss. So I get off at Notting Hill, and go to a pub to piss. I generally would just piss on the street, but it was kind of nippy out. As I walk to the pub toilets, the barman stops me and says its only for customers. I thought that only happened in films. I then buy a whiskey, down it, and go for a piss. I feel loose, I feel good. As I'm leaving, some weirdo with really thick glasses stops me, he's drinking with another guy, who looks respectable whilst reading the horse racing pull-out from The Sun, and says he felt for me having to buy a drink to use the toilet, I agree, and sulked a bit. He asked me to settle a bet with his friend, they argued about who had been the US president before the first george bush, and I was like "I don't know man, find an American and ask them". They laughed, I didn't.

He then asked if I enjoyed cider and football, I said of course, and he bought a cider, I rejected his offer of a cider, but then felt thirsty and bought myself one. I prefer not to get in rounds with strangers. Not sure if he was offended or relieved, but we talked about the weekend of derbies. He talked of Arsenal and Chelsea, Barca and Real, everton and liverpool, and I mentioned Sporting and Benfica, and he feigned interest. Now at this point, I realise this guy might be some kinky bastards or something, and swig my cider before making an exit. I think I literally just walked out on them, without even saying bye. The guy had really thick glasses. I was scared.

I caught the tube again, and needed another piss.

FFS.

I somehow held on, and the whole way I keep thinking 'I live too far from the city...'. And that was that.

I tried to go drinking in my local the next day, and by 10pm, me and a friend were the last people in the pub.

The next day I persuaded this same friend to try central london, I promised him girls, vibrant atmosphere etc. We ended up in a Sam Smiths pub, which is the furthest away from what I had promised, but with £2 a pint, I couldn't complain. After 3 drinks, I'm already feeling the drink, as I hadn't eaten. I have another, and now I'm definitely feeling it. I go to the toilet, and as I return, my friend is talking to two guys...one with really thick glasses, and another reading the racing post.

I nearly dropped a bollock.

I down the rest of drink, tell my friend we have to go, and scatter.

He asks why we left etc., I start to say I met them before, and I don't want to chill with them, because its like something from a borderline B-movie horror. It starts to rain really hard, we get on the tube, and end up in our local again.

The next day he calls me and we spoke of the day before, I said "Isn't it weird that I ran into this guys again?", he asks how I recognised them, I said the really thick glasses...he was like "huh?", and told me the guys he was chatting to were both old irish guys with no glasses that had talked to him about denman and the racing.

I'm confused.